Myself, Si Parasit Lajang

Myself, Si Parasit Lajang

Si Parasit Lajang (The Single Parasite, or maybe The Parasitic Single; "Lajang" is similar in meaning to "Bujang") is the title of a collection of essays by popular Indonesian female writer Ayu Utami. Her first two novels Saman and Larung were bestsellers in the local market, and popular among many Malaysians too.

My mastery of the Indonesian language is still at its infancy; reading Saman and Larung would be a task that requires a great deal of effort and concentration, even though I did read novels in Bahasa Melayu during my schooldays. I"ll have to attempt them when my mind is freer. I read Pramoedya Ananta Toer sometimes in its original Bahasa Indonesia and find his language relatively easier for me to understand.

It is the modern Indonesian slang used by present-day writers that stumps me at times. It is a pity that Bahasa Melayu/Malaysia and Bahasa Indonesia have diverged so much. The market for our Bahasa Melayu/Malaysia books could be a lot wider if not because of these differences.

Fortunately I find Si Parasit Lajang an easy read; these are short articles that were published in local journals such Djakarta!, where Ayu Utami writes a monthly column; so the language is easy and conversational.

Ayu Utami is a very interesting writer. As a person, she is also interesting because she is 35 and has so far chosen to remain single. And she certainly is not unattractive (or at least from my point of view).

In Si Parasit Lajang, Ayu Utami gives 10+1 reasons as to why she remains single. It makes me glad to know that there's a woman out there who's willing to take up cudgels for unmarried people.

Being a "confirmed" bachelor myself, I share many of her reasons. I won't go through all of them but I like her first one: "Memangnya harus menikah?" (Does one really have to get married?); and her "+1" reason: She wonders why people are always asking her to explain her spinsterhood when to her it is a natural thing. Just go with the flow: Giving reasons would make it sound as if choosing to remain single is a political stance.

Now, are people who choose to remain unmarried parasites to society? Maybe. Sometimes they become a burden to family and friends. They have no commitments and go about drifting from relationship to relationship, leading a hedonistic life--wasting their own and destroying other people's.

I have nothing against marriage and I do admire people who manage to build up a nice family. Just that to me, marriage is such an important "project" that I am not keen to take it up at the moment. Forgive me, maybe I've been in the IT industry for too long to treat even marriage as a "project". Perhaps it is the wrong paradigm to adopt for such an important social institution.

But it is precisely because it is an important institution that I feel that one cannot treat it in a cavalier fashion. You don't get married because all your friends are already married; and certainly not out of desperation because you are "not getting any younger". Marriage requires commitment and a reengineering of your life. Obvious adjustments need to be made and priorities need to be realigned (Oops, wrong paradigm again: marriage is not BPR--business process reengineering. Or is it?)

Maybe bachelors like me are egoistic and selfish. We only care about ourselves, our own interests, our own pursuits and never spare a thought for other people. Whereas married people learn to care, share and love.

But I've also seen married people becoming more "selfish" because their whole life revolves around their families and they don't have time for friends and colleagues anymore. Well, at least these are better than another category of married people who still try to lead a bachelor life, often cheating on their spouses.

Not sure if I am really a parasite, but I do know I am quite "useful" to some of my married friends who use me as a convenient excuse whenever they want to escape from their wives: They would tell their wives that it is this reckless and irresponsible bachelor called K. who "forced" them to go to this nightspot and made them drink all night. They then top it up with a philosophical comment on how aimless a bachelor's life is and how fortunate they are to have such a nice home and family--scoring enormous points with their wives in the process.

I am actually quite happy to be of "use" to my married friends. In fact, I give them the license to freely use me as an excuse, even when I'm often not present in their all-night revelries. Maybe I am indeed a parasite because of this.

OK, bachelors like us do have some use: There's always someone around who can play Best Man at weddings. I'm quite a veteran at that. Need a Best Man, call me. If you can't get married yourself, at least help other people to get married. But you can bet I'll be cracking my trite but tested wedding joke:

Why is the bride unhappy on her wedding day?
Answer: Because she is not marrying the best man