The Sacred Paths of Life

For the past month or so, the world has been lapping up all the sordid details in the turbulent relationship between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard revealed in their trial. I haven't been following the trial online but from what I've read, neither party came off smelling like roses. As they were married at on point in their lives, they must have loved each other very much for them to have made that leap. How in the world could a relationship that had started with mutual love deteriorated so badly until it became an abusive one? 

Being a confirmed bachelor, I'm not qualified to comment about marriage.  And even though I've been in long-term relationships before, I don't proclaim to be an expert on the matter. But what I want to do is to reflect on the nature of relationships and marriage.

People often ask me why I don't get married. That question presupposes that one could get hitched if one simply chooses to, like going to the supermarket to pick up some oranges. I know of people who had tried hard to look for a life partner but by some stroke of bad luck, did not get to meet the right one, or they invested their time and energy on the wrong one. No one is divinely ordained to meet their soul-mate whom they can live happily every after with.

In my case, that wasn't the case either. I have had opportunities to pursue relationships which could have led to marriage, if I had remained on course. But I've always chosen not to, because I learned along the way how difficult it could be and the kind of effort and energy that is required to make it work.

Now, why should one be deterred by that? Isn't the end-goal worth all the pain and hardship? And isn't it a bit pessimistic to look upon marriage as a kind of difficult 'project' that one does a careful cost-benefit analysis before taking the plunge? Isn't a marital union between two souls who love and support each other the most beautiful thing in the world? Even though it is not easy, but wouldn't the task of building a life and family together be a worthwhile journey? To have someone who cares for you, to have a home to go back to, to have children who will love and care for you in old age and to leave behind your lineage and legacy? Isn't that what one would call a happy, meaningful and fruitful life?

Unfortunately the answer to all the questions in the previous paragraph for me is an emphatic 'No'.  I do respect the institution of marriage and admire people who have genuinely found happiness in it. I've written in an old blog post of mine that a happy family is like a garden filled with beautiful flowers. It takes a lot of effort to tend to it but once it materialises it is a thing of beauty and and endless source of pride and joy. 

I admire other people's gardens and partake in their joy, but I have no desire to become a gardener myself. I am more of a connoisseur of horticulture. There's happiness in that too. One sees the variety of plants and appreciates the challenge required to nurture and grow them in different kinds of soil and climate. By not being a gardener myself, I have the resources to study the variety of gardens and techniques of gardening themselves in greater breadth and depth. And that gives me a greater understanding of people and nature themselves, which is what I derive enormous pleasure in.

But isn't it human nature to want to pair up with someone and procreate? That's life and why not plunge into the celebration of a process that makes us all humans? But isn't it also in our nature too to seek our own purpose of existence and pursue that which we think would give each one of us meaning? 

That's all I'm doing. I wouldn't be honest with myself if I attempt to convince myself that the path of the householder is one which I find true meaning and happiness. I have chosen a path, which I sometimes jokingly refer to as that of a secular sanyasin. I am not a monk nor a householder--just someone who finds life an opportunity to learn and gain insight into what makes us who we are.

Of what use is such a person? No better or no worse than the average person who starts a family and imposes his or her idea of what a family should be on its members. It is simply living the examined life, of which the family man too in an indirect way is attempting to do.

Marriage is a commitment which comes with its attendant pains and pleasures. And if pursued wisely it is as good as any spiritual path the the religious renunciate claims to have found their true calling in.  One simply chooses a path that is most honest to oneself. Both paths are equally sacred, and each has its own unique lessons, tailored for the souls who chose them. And by following it truthfully, we will all meet at the same destination.