A Reasonable Relationship

Today, I'm blogging from PappaRich Cafe, Citta Mall. It is actually pretty close to my office. I like this Mall because it is quiet and not very well-known. Well, the basement parking gets flooded every time it rains heavily but apart from that, the design of the mall is very good--it is open, airy and surrounded by greens.

It is a very relaxed setting for me to reflect on today's topic, which I've been thinking for the past week. It is about relationships and how they can be sustainable.

Now hold on, I can already hear howls of protests out there: What does a confirmed bachelor like me know about relationships?

First, hear me out. By relationships, I do not only limit it to the romantic relationship between a man and a woman. I want to consider all human relationships: between siblings, between parents and children between business partners, between colleagues and between friends. What do they all share in common?

Firstly, why do humans need to relate to each other? We are social beings and the key reason for the success of Homo Sapiens is because they can communicate, socialize and build consensus that benefit everyone. By connecting to each other, we can be bigger than the sum of our parts.

And of course, men and women are biologically attracted to each other because procreation is the main driving force of evolution. We need to perpetuate our genes and are constantly finding a member of the opposite sex who could assist us to carry out this task. So no matter how hard we try, we will inevitably succumb to this impulse.

But sex alone doesn't make a relationship. A couple needs to live together, plan for the well-being of their kids and chart out a course for the future together. It is a lifelong partnership for two persons who has different genes, upbringing and probably culture too. Each person's worldview and personality will be different.

First rule of a relationship is that: it is not going to be easy. Both parties need to do a lot of work to maintain it, even if in the beginning both seem compatible. A business partnership usually begins with a lot of optimism: We'll build the best product out there and we'll conquer the market. But a business vision is the easy part. The real work comes when you have to deal with the day-to-day drudgery of hardwork, coupled with the question of who is responsible for what and how much should each founder be compensated for.

Business partnerships and marriages are very similar in many aspects. It is about discovering your partner's strengths and weaknesses along the way, and how they meet or fall short of your initial expectations.

Do you have the stamina to last through the entire lifecycle of the relationship? The 'fun' part of a relationship is just 20% of the equation. 80% of the time you'll be dealing with issues which you think your partner or partners should be doing better or doing more.

It all boils down to expectations. We as individuals only know how to see things from our own personal perspective. When Mary goes to the bathroom, she expects her comfy toilet seat to be where it should be: down. But when John goes to pee, he gets irritate that he has to pull up the toilet seat again.

Looking at things from another person's point of view is a skill that we don't naturally have. We have to work at it. Both parties in a relationship have to work very very hard at it. But unfortunately we are naturally selfish. We 'care' for our loved one because we need them around to guarantee our own happiness. What we care for is actually our own happiness.

A business partnership is not based solely on reason--no matter how well you draw up your business plans and product architecture. A big part of it has to do with the emotions of the people executing them. Do they have the perseverance, enthusiasm and patience to continue pursuing them day in, day out? What if you do, but your partner doesn't? Or maybe your partner seems to be giving 80% of what you are contributing?

I don't have a formula for a successful partnership or a romantic relationship. I only know that all parties need to have the humility and the awareness to see where each one is coming from. We all need to rub against each other, sometimes painfully, in order to find out where we stand. In a way, when we partner with each other, we are bringing our individual neurosis into the system. Most of the time, we can't see our own flaws. But to your partner or partners, that's probably all they see. If both parties start with the recognition that they are flawed creatures and that the relationship is just an opportunity to correct those flaws, then I would think perhaps, there's a glimmer of hope.