The Tyranny of Thoughts

This blog is like my meditation cave. I retreat here to dive deeeper into my soul. New Year's Eve is especially a good time to do some deep reflection.

I'm not exactly sure what I will come up with everytime I face this blank screen with my fingers hovering over the keyboard, like a diver poised on the edge of a springboard.

When I was young, curiosity drove me to acquire knowledge. It was my belief that at some point, with sufficient knowledge and intelligence, one gets to understand everything. Reason and logic can overcome any intellectual challenge.

Then as I grew older, I began to realise that the reasoning mind is not everything. There are depths within the mind that are never penetrated by reason. The mind, which has served mankind as the ultimate instrument for exploring the secrets of the universe is the biggest obstacle of all towards enlightenment.

Our preconceptions, our love for ideology and dogma seduce us into believing that we have found the Ultimate Truth when in fact we are like children preoccupied indoors with the latest toys, while the vast world of wonders lie unexplored outside.

Everytime we think, we are already imprisoned by the mind. We fear the cessation of thoughts because we think that the absence of thoughts make us stupid. How wrong we are!

A wise spiritual teacher once said: "Thoughts are wonderful servants but bad masters". How true it is. Thoughts, when they are given free reign, takes over our lives. If I have a new year resolution at all, it has to be this: "To make thoughts my servants". Happy New Year.

My Mobile University

Living in KL means a lot of time spent in my car. Fortunately I have a consolation: audiobooks. For the past few years, I think I've listened to more books than I have read.

Not only have I "read" many of the latest non-fiction--Malcom Gladwell's Blink and Outliers, and Tim Wu's The Master Switch among others--through the audio medium, I've also sat through many lectures in subjects as diverse a the philosophy of religion, Russian literature, history of classical music, the human body and movie appreciation. My car has become my mobile university; driving is no longer a chore, it is something I even look forward too these days.

I also listen to a lot of poetry--Yeats, Shelley, Dylan Thomas, Edgar Alan Poe. I even sleep with my iPod: my favourit bedtime listening are philosophical talks on religion by Alan Watts. I've been using my first generation iPod for maybe 7 years now and it is the best investment in gadgets I've ever made.

What joy it is to be able to carry a whole library of wisdom right in your breast pocket. Listening is so easy--you just plug in your earphones and lo and behold, the author talks in your head.

Whenever I need a bit of break, in between heavy sessions of academic lectures, I'll dive into my portable collection of classical music--Chopin, Mozart and a bit of Baroque music will usually put me into a very relaxed and blissful state. Ah, instant knowledge, instant relaxation!

I used to buy audio cassettes and have a huge collection of audiobooks in cassettes. But nowadays, I get my audio content from Audible, commiting myself to more than RM500 of audiobooks every year as a Gold subscriber. I have more than a hundred books in my audio wishlist, and the list is still growing.

Unlike many of my IT friends, I'm not exactly an Apple aficionado; It concerns me not if the latest iPhone is thinner, lighter, comes with bigger screen and supports LTE. The iPod is all I care about. With the iPod and Audible, the world's knowledge--the pleasures of life--is always an 'earshot' away.

The Art of the Possible

One thing is consistent throughout my years of blogging: I've avoided the subject of politics--the raison d'être of many other blogs in cyberspace. I steer clear of political topics not because I abhor the subject; far from it: I do have firmly held political views and follow the local political scene closely, but I'd prefer to keep my opinion to myself. The closest I'll go is to reflect on politics, as a subject, philosophically.

Political debates tend to stir a lot of passion among readers. The Malaysian blogosphere is already filled with way too much partisan vitriol; I do not care to add more to it. Technology, the Internet in particular, is a double-edged sword: both the good and the evil are equally amplified. It is also a sad fact of human nature that the vilest, meanest and the most fantastic half-truths often get the most attention.

When political idealism is charged with extreme religious fervour, it becomes a potent mix. Inflammatory rhetoric can often lead to physical violence. This stems from the fact that political and religious world-views have deep psychological roots. Our personal experiences (usually painful ones) and our cultural programming play a big part in shaping them. We all want to preserve our own comfort zones and tend to be wary of change.

From a superficial perspective, there appears to be universal values that we all share--justice, liberty, freedom and economic prosperity. But when we look a little bit closer, we find that there are deep cultural and philosophical differences on what these abstract concepts mean, and how we, as a society, go about achieving them.

Bismarck once said that politics is the art of the possible. We can either take this statement negatively (there are no principles in politics, everything is negotiable) or otherwise (always seek the most pragmatic solution, given the circumstances).

Ideally, all political debate should be driven by the need to explore what's possible. Without it, political rhetoric, is all hate-fanning and fear-mongering.

Returning to the Oasis

To write again in this blog is like going home again after a long absence. I can't believe this is my first entry for 2012! Where have I been all these time?

I started blogging, I believe, in 2003, which makes this blog almost ten years old. I was enjoying my time in Jakarta then: I remember blogging from an Internet cafe in Sarinah, disciplining myself to an hour of blogging everyday (They charged 5000 rupiah an hour).

Those were certainly great times. Life in Jakarta was filled with discovery and possibilities. I wrote, I read, I explored and I made a lot of friends. I was freer than a bird.

And how I'd read: I had a book with me all the time and any spot that would allow me to sit quietly and undisturbed would be turned into a reading nook: on trains chugging my way across the Parahyangan mountains, in rustic Sundanese restaurants drowned in their hypnotic strains of gamelan music, at street corners after hearty meals of bubur ayam, serenaded by the ever-present buskers (pengamins), in my happy hotel room--half-watching BBC News on TV--after another satisfying day of wandering all over Jakarta.

Not only did I blog, I also wrote longhand in my journal: one page a day for 2 years, maintaining a habit I had started when I was working in Singapore. I had a maxim then: If something is not written down, it did not happen. One writes to live. Only through writing, life's events are thoroughly absorbed and assimilated into one's soul.

I have been doing a different type of writing these past years in KL: programming. Writing computer code is in many ways, a simpler task than writing prose. The vocabulary of programming is much smaller: everything is precise, deterministic and logical.

Prose writing, in comparison is a struggle--there's always that dreaded blank page, with the ever-blinking cursor mocking you from the computer screen, and there you'd sit alone searching, waiting for that elusive word or turn of phrase that would capture in perfection that thought you have in mind.

After years of wandering in the desert of computer code, now, or at least tonight, I stumble onto my old familiar oasis of a blog--the sweetness of its waters feels like balm on my soul.

The Consummation of Time

Just a few lines at the turning of the year.

The past years have been a quest to decipher the secret of work: Work for work's sake. Work as craft and vocation. Work that at times seems insurmountable but bears the promise of redemption. Gut-wrenching work that brings out the best and worst from within.

I plough on because work is my quest, my practice and my meditation. True and honest work that makes every intake of breath a moment of carthasis.

And in the dark of night, fireworks light up the sky to mark the passing of the year and the birth of another. Time teases and entices. Time tests and tires. Time stands testament to the Divine Quest.

I wake up with a fresh resolve everyday. That doesn't change. Time may test one's faith. But Time is a devil we know; and sometimes we cower behind him to seek escape and solace. Time fuels work. Work consumes time. Through the act of consumption, one finds the ultimate consummation.

The Art of Being Smart

You often hear people say: don't just work hard, work smart. Unfortunately, this maxim, well-intentioned though it may be, is also the the biggest excuse for being lazy,

The problem is that there are people who think they are being 'smart' by cutting corners, taking advantage of other peoople or screwing the system. Evading work is considered smart. They spend their entire lives avoiding difficult tasks and only doing things that they like or enjoy. Any kind of work that requires some effort is considered 'low-level' or not worthy of their time.

That fact is that most people are smart enough, and that is good enough for me. As an employer, I would prefer a hardworking guy with average ability but possesses an eagerness to learn than one who thinks he is a genius and insists on cherry-picking work.

Of course, a hardworking and brilliant person would be the ideal combination. Having such a talent would be a boon to any company or team. But a manager has to plan for a system to work sufficiently well with average material. If one is lucky enough to get an outstanding talent, then that would be bonus. Stars come and go, but the machinery has to continue ticking.

No one in their right frame of mind would consciously 'work stupid'. It is a given that we have to always work as smart as we can. Hardwork doesn't mean mindlessly doing something like an automaton; instead, it implies an attitude of constantly giving one's best and never letting go of an opportunity to learn.

Hardwork is the art and practice of being smart. By working hard, one inevitably becomes smart.

Music that is Ever-Present in the Universe

I've always loved classical music. Even as a child, before I had the opportunity to acquire some basic education in music, I remember being enthralled by the classical pieces played by my neighbours on the piano. I was quite surprised to discover that even elementary students of the piano had the chance to play simple pieces by the great composers such as Bach, Mozart and Beethoven.

One might find it hard to believe today but during those early days of FM radio in Malaysia, they used to have an hour of classical music in the morning (Muzik Klasik) and another hour late at night (Konsert Klasik). That was how I got acquainted with the great masterpieces of classical music. I even managed to record many of those radio programs on cassette tapes. I still keep them back in my hometown! And it was through the radio that I learned how to pronounce the names of the composers correctly--surprisingly our radio announcers then (they were not called DJs yet) bothered to learn the correct pronunciation of their names. ('Bak', 'Mout-sart', 'Bay-thoven').

Later when I had the opportunity to pick some basic piano myself, I appreciated classical music even more. I started my collection of classical music cassettes and later CDs. I even bought music scores so that I could read the notes while listening to these masterpieces.

With my iPod now, I carry my favourite classical music with me all the time. I have the complete piano sonatas of Beethoven and Mozart in my pocket. Lately I've been enjoying the series of lecture recitals by reknowned pianist and conductor Andras Schiff on the 32 piano sonatas of Beethoven. The more I listen to Beethoven, I more layers of beauty that I uncover in its music.

I have nothing against modern music--I do love a lot of the contemporary artistes--but nothing compares to the experience of classical music. It can be enjoyed on so many levels: intellectually, emotionally and even spiritually. If you have played Chopin on the piano, you'll know what a divine feeling that is.

I've always felt that most the greatest pleasures of life do not cost a lot of money. And classical music is certainly one of them. Log on to the Internet and you can download tons of free classical music or listen to any one of those Internet radio stations that specialize in classical music. And if you can read notes, there are also so many sites that offer free sheet music.

Einstein, who played the violin, once remarked about Mozart's music: "...so pure that it seemed to have been ever-present in the universe, waiting to be discovered by the master".

That sums up what perfectly what I feel about classical music. It's so pure that it is like a part of nature. When one is listening to classical music, one is in communion with Nature and the greatest composers the world has ever produced.

A Moment of Poise

It is always great to be able to blog on a New Year's eve. It's an opportunity to reflect on the year that's coming to a close, and to look forward to the coming one.

Life has been quiet for me these past few years. 2010 has been a year where I sought to find right balance--between work and leisure, spirituality and materialism, art and science, indoors and outdoors, the mental and the physical.

I've mentioned elsewhere before that balance is the key to everything life. Wisdom can be defined as the ability to find the optimal balance between the polarities. The Buddhist state of mind called Equanimity is also a state of balance where one maintains one's composure in the face of life's ups and downs. Balance is everthing. The constant striving for balance is the essence of life.

On the eve of a new year, one is consciously aware that one is poised between past and future. We sit down to reflect on what has passed and we make resolve to do better in the coming year. But the fact is that every moment of our existence is a moment of poise between past and future. If we can consciously remain 'poised' all the time, we will be living in the present. We are never leaning over unnecessarily to the future nor being weighed down by the burden of the past.

Being present in the moment means doing the things that need to be down now, with focus and attention. There's a right action at every moment in time, and executing that action brings us into harmony with the forces of the universe.

This is what I strive to do everyday. To allow every moment to come to its fruition through right action. One moment at a time. One action at a time. One can't do any more than that. And along the way, we'll enjoy the fruits of our past actions; they always come at the right moment--with wisdom in its bitterness and humility in its sweetness.

Minding the Mind

Meditation and mindfulness practices, popular among Eastern religions, are increasingly being adopted by moden pscyhotherapy as a legitimate technique for treating a wide variety of mental disorders. Noted therapist Dr Dan Siegel writes about it eloquently in his books, Mindsight and The Mindful Therapist.

While meditation is a general term to refer to a wide variety of mental cultivation practices from many cultures and religions, mindfulness, as it is normally used in Buddhist literature refers to to the practice of being aware of one's thoughts, feelings and sensations and this need not necessarily be done in a sitting position. The ability to intentionally pay attention to the thoughts and processes in our minds is a valuable skill that allows us to observe and modify our behaviour and even physiology to prevent 'dis-ease'.

Restlessness, reactivity and agitation are natural tendencies of our minds. Pyschologists also tell us that, 80 percent of the time we operate using our unconscious minds (example, when we are driving our car), so our reactions to sense stimulus are usually automatic. The unconscious brain is a more powerful computer compared to the conscious one. Nature designed it in such a way because of a very good reason: if we are to process every sensory input conscously, we'll be completely overwhelmed--we will not be able to do the things that come to us naturally such as walking and talking.

If our unconscious mind runs the show most of the time, are we simply not replaying back responses we've consciously or unconsciously programmed into our minds? We have been programmed since we were young by our experiences of pain and pleasure. Efficient though the unconscious mind is, sometimes it traps us into habitual patterns of behaviour that could be harmful to us. The world around us changes rapidly, but we are mentally not capable of dealing with rapid change. Our minds continue to run old programs. And when old programs are not able to process new inputs, then stress and anxiety sets in.

A person suffering from anxiety disorder is often trapped in a downward spiral of negative thoughts and emotions. The person is not able to snap out of this state because he or she does not have the ability to disassociate the mind from its processes. Mindfulness practices help us to strengthen our mental muscles; we are not trashed about by the stormy seas of thoughts and emotions. In most miindfulness practices, we learn to observe the arisal of thoughts and gently label them; worry, hesitant, anxious, longing...

These random thoughts are the background noise that comes to the forefront whenever we sit down quietly to meditate. The meditator takes note of them, labels them if necessary, and allow them to come and go. No force is necessary. We do not fight nor resist them. They will come and go like waves lapping on the shore. When this is done often enough, we carry this mindful habit into our daily lives, and it helps us keep an inner island of calm amidst the chaos of everyday activity.

I would say, mindfulness is the most important skill that any healthy individual would need in today's world, where we are constantly assaulted by an overload of sensory input and information. Dr Siegel calls it 'brain hygiene'--a necessary skill to ensure the healthy functioning or the brain, as one of the most important organs in our body. The mind does not have total control of its output, because out of biological necessity we do most of our things unconsciously. But using the practice of mindfulness, we deliberately observe our mental output, and this very act itself generates a modifying input that is fed back into the brain. Only in this way, mental stability and control can be achieved.

So be mindful, lest your own thoughts might lead you astray!

Fire and Wire

I try to go for a run and a light workout at the neighbourhood park everyday. Just 30 minutes of exercise makes me feel energized and feeling great for the rest of the day.  Even when I do not have enough sleep the night before, a morning workout session always drives away all vestiges of sleepiness and clears my mind for productive work.

If one must end up being an addict of some sort, one might as well be addicted to exercise.  There are lots of research that indicates that exercise aids neurogenesis--or the creation of new neurons in the brain. It used to be thought the brain does not grow new neurons and whatever amount of grey matter we have are fixed and start dying away as we age. Research in recent years have proven this to be false. The brain can and does improve with age!

You often hear people say, 'Oh, I've already forgotten what I've learned in the university'. True, we might have forgotten certain facts of details which we cramped for our exams but I believe that we never lose the analytical skills that we learned. Personally, I feel that my brainpower has actually improved over the years. When I browse through some of my old mathematics textbooks, I realized how much better I am able to understand all the concepts written there, when during my students days I had found them mostly dry and incomprehensible. 

One thing I've noticed, most people, as they grow older, become more lazy to think.  You see them a lot in large corporations: people are very 'hardworking' when it comes to attending meetings; but when it comes to sitting down to analyze facts and writing concepts down on paper, everyone tries to avoid doing it.

The brain gets better the more you use it. When one stops using it, degeneration sets in. So never try to avoid difficult intellectual work. Like the body, the brain too needs regular exercise. The more your neurons fire, the more the wire together. The more complex your neural wiring, the 'smarter' you become!

The Thought Gardener

When I was blogging on a daily basis, I was driven mostly by a desire to learn. I wanted to learn about myself--how my thoughts stand on their own, bare and naked on a public blog. It wasn't important that I had many readers; just the possibility there could be someone reading my entries imposes a certain form of discipline to my writing.

That was what I strove for. I wanted to use the discipline of blogging to not only record my thoughts on my varied fields of interests, but also to hone my writing skills.

This is different from writing in a personal journal; there you don't need to worry about an audience. Blogging requires a bit more care, but yet remain casual enough for one to experiment and let go. A blog is a good practice ground for a writer. It is like an artist's sketchbook, where raw ideas emerge in bold strokes of the pen.

During those years of blogging, I realized that I wrote most naturally when I was writing on spirituality. Spirituality and religion are subjects that I returned to again and again. These are areas which I had spent an entire life contemplating about. And I still have a lot of thoughts that I want to explore and share.

These past few years have been busy ones for me work-wise. I am still striving for balance between the material and the spiritual side of my existence. I try to infuse spirituality into whatever task that I am doing. I am mindful of every impulse that stirs in my mind. I observe them and follow their perambulations; I trace the roots of their lineage and track their lifetimes.

Some thoughts are seeds that bear fruits. Some thoughts are like cancer that can only destroy the body. The fruit-bearing thoughts, I nurture them with tender loving care; the cancerous ones, I kill them mercilessly.

Here in this blog, I hope to plant some of these fruit-bearing thoughts, May they flourish in time.

River Pebbles

Pebbles at the bottom of the river are smooth and round. Years and decades of being eroded by the currents have made them so. They are at one with the river. They have no more ego. They are at peace.

When we are born, we are all rocks with sharp edges. We have a personality, ego, likes and dislikes. We go out into the world, seeking to impose our will onto the world. Occasionally we get things to go our way. We are momentarily happy. But we then realize that these momentary happiness come with a heavy emotional price. We can get them all, because our time and energy are limited.

Then we learn go after things that are important. Our ego tells us: "This is important. I must have this and that. I must do this to show the world what I am capable of". And we go after them with all the energy that we have, only to realize that what the ego thinks important is false. It takes you a lot of time and energy to realize that, all seeking and wanting, that is the nature of the ego, comes with a price on the soul. It turns sharp rocks into smooth pebbles.

A smooth pebble knows how to blend into the flow of the river--the Soul of the World. It has relinquished its ego. It can choose to harness the power of the currents instead of imposing itself and impede their flow.

River pebbles have great wisdom. Watch how the currents embrace them, churning out a smooth gurgling sound. Listen to it carefully: these murmurings are the pebbles' words of wisdom.

Thoughts on the Noughties

Henry Hill (Ray Liotta):
...When I was broke, I'd go out and rob some more. We ran everything. We paid off cops. We paid off lawyers. We paid off judges. Everybody had their hands out. Everything was for the taking. And now it's all over.
And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup...
- Goodfellas, directed by Martin Scorsese

The noughties began on the crest of optimism. It was the height of the dotcom boom. Life in the IT industry felt like a neverending party. The party, which started in the mid-nineties, rose to a giddy crescendo at the turn of the millennium. For a brief moment, we felt like Masters of the Universe.

Then everything came crashing down. September 11 2001 was the symbolic turning point.  The noughties then became our decade of hangover. Nothing felt the same again after that. Everything tasted like egg noodles with ketchup.

Maybe the mobile revolution did finally come of age and social networking might just be that much-heralded Web 2.0. But somehow, it feels like we've sold our souls to the Devil just to recapture a glimmer of  our lost youth--the world now thinks that it has a right to intrude into our lives.

There's no longer any place to hide in that space-time continuum of cyberspace. Big Brother Google watches every move you make. And if you think you can find a bit of safety and reprieve in meatspace, your cellphone will turn snitch at the very first opportunity, pinning down your exact location there.

What does the new decade bring? I suppose one should always look forward with an air of optimism. I'll end my last blog entry for this decade with astronaut Dave Bowman's words in 2010: Odyssey Two (the under-rated sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey):

Heywood Floyd: What? What's going to happen?
Dave Bowman: Something wonderful.
Heywood Floyd: What?
Dave Bowman: I understand how you feel. You see, it's all very clear to me now. The whole thing. It's wonderful.

Let's hope it's going to be wonderful. Welcome 2010.

Blogging with Scribefire

The reason why I'm blogging today is simply because I wanted to try out this blog client - Scribefire, which is a Firefox plugin. For many years I've been using Bloggar as my client--especially during my days in Indonesia. At that time, I blogged daily from a cybercafe. I remember having to download and install the client everyday onto the PC that I happened to be using, because the owner cleaned up all unauthorized applications regularly.

Bloggar was good enough for my purpose, until these last couple of years when it was not regularly maintained by the creator, and it didn't keep up with the changes in the Blogger.com API.

I know many bloggers blog directly from Microsoft Word, which is capable of posting to most of the popular blog sites, but I prefer a lighter client. I tried LiveWriter for a while, but didn't find it fuss-free enough for my liking. And I must confess, I'm no big fan of Microsoft applications, nor am I an Apple freak. I like my computing platform to be light, unintrusive and doesn't try to call attention to itself. It should just fade into the background.

I still have Windows on my notebook, but most of the time, I boot from my Ubuntu partition. I find it easier to do my development work on a Unix platform. SSH terminals are my best friends because I need to log on to the server all the time. And Ubuntu certainly feels faster and lighter than Windows.

So this is my first entry using the Scribefire plugin as my Blogger client. So far so good. I've been able to insert links quite easily. And if this gets posted successfully, I'm going to start using it regularly!

The Finite Pleasures of Life

I used to fly every other week, but this year has been a record of a sort to me: It's already the end of November and I have not made a single trip out of the country this year! The last stamp on passport was from the Singapore immigration, made sometime end of last year.

What has become of me? Is that why I haven't been blogging? Do I foresee any change in the coming year? How will I look back on these years that I spent in KL?

What have I enjoyed most these past years? Reading, playing the piano, watching EPL matches, drinking with friends and most of all, being able to take care of my old folks.

Playing the piano is something that I have not been able to do much since I left my hometown for studies and work. Only a few years back, looking at ways to fill up my bare apartment and driven by a nostalgia for my childhood days, did I decide to buy myself a digital piano. This has allowed me to spend many happy evenings after work playing my favourite Chopin waltzes and Nocturnes. I must confess, my playing is embarrassingly bad but I find these quiet finger-flexing sessions on the keyword quite therapeutic.

It's also great that one can download lots of free sheet music from the Internet these days. One of my favourite pieces is Ryuichi Sakamoto's theme music for the movie The Sheltering Sky, which I managed to find on the Net. Such a sad and haunting tune. I loved the movie too, which starred Debra Winger and John Malkovich, one of my favourite actors.

I managed to read the book too after I saw the movie. I love the scenes where the author, the late Paul Bowles, makes cameo appearances as the enigmatic Narrator, making voice-over observations on his characters. Here's one towards the end of the movie, a scene which I never get tired watching. Love the cafe atmosphere. Here's the voice over quote in English:

Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.

How many more times will I be able to watch these favourite scenes of mine? How many more times will I be able to play my favourite Chopin Waltz in B minor?

Only a finite number of times. But yet we live life as if it all seems limitless.

Careless Thoughts

Why do I suddenly feel like blogging today? It has been months since my last entry.

Blogging used to my way of relaxing after a hard day's work. It allows me to organize my thoughts and let my fingers do the talking.

Maybe it's because the HP Netbook I'm using now is the perfect tool for blogging. The keyboard is excellent; the size of the screen just right to accomodate one blog entry. It feels so natural to start blogging whenever I open up this Netbook.

Work occupies most of my waking hours. My sleeping hours these days have also been drastically reduced. More work and less sleep is no good for me. I'm feeling very exhausted.

I listen to audiobooks more than I read these days. I go to bed with my iPod. I listen while driving. I am actually more attached to my iPod than to my cellular phone. Which is why it is logical for me to upgrade my iPod to an iPhone. Two devices finally merged into one. But I'll have to wait for the price to be more reasonable first. No hurry.

I am not a gadget freak. I outgrew that years ago, while I was working in Singapore. My room then was cluttered with devices and gadgets and I decided then that enough was enough. These days I try to keep my life simple. My secret goal is to live without a car one day. That will be a great achievement.

A carefree, car-less life. I think it is quite achievable.

Thoughts from My Sanctuary

I have an apartment where I keep my books. It sits on the 9th floor, overlooking the swimming pool below and further off in the distance, the spacious tree-lined grounds of a university campus.

It's not a bad place to live but I've never spent a single night here. Only my books live here, occupying shelves that reach the ceiling. When I first furnished the place, I made sure that the living room walls were completely lined with bookshelves. There are still lots of empty spaces to accomodate more books and I am in no hurry to fill them up. I am aware of the fact that I'll never be able to read all the books I own within my lifetime.

I use my apartment as a home office, a library and a private lounge: a place where I can think, work and meditate in the company of my beloved books. I try to keep the place free of distractions -- television for instance. I don't watch TV here.

The furnitures are kept to bare necessities--a sofa and a round dining table. The only item of luxury that I have is a digital piano, where I will ocassionally attempt to coax my rusty fingers to rattle off a few Chopin waltzes. Playing the piano--even badly--makes me immensely happy. It is something that connects me to my childhood. And it is from my childhood that my dreams continue to nourish...

This is my sanctuary. A place where I relax at the end of a hard day's work, and take stock of my life: Where am I going next?

In the company of my books, sometimes I am tempted to think, this is all I'll ever need. I don't need to go anywhere else. I'll just sit here everyday and read to my heart's content. What more could a person want in life?

Invariably, my eyes would chance on the title of some of the books on my shelf: Batavia, Bung Karno, Witnesses to Sumatra, Java Pageant, Indonesian Destinies...and suddenly my heart would ache with a certain longing...

Citadel of Trees

I always think of my childhood home, the place where I grew up as my "citadel of trees"--a place perched on the slope of a hill amidst dense foliage and innumerable trees, a safe haven where I can always find peace of mind and comfort.

Yes, there used to be a lot more trees--the rubber trees loomed majestically in front of my house; it was my playground, my magical forest in miniature where I had imagined all sorts of characters from Grimm's fables dwelled happily in rustic existence.

The rubber estate is sadly gone now. Ugly two-storey houses fringe the edge of hillocks where my elves and fairies had played. My childhood friends have all left to chase the dreams of adulthood; the mornings no longer bustle with the chirping of birds and the tinkling of pianos.

This is the sorrow that every generation has to suffer, coming to terms with the passing of time and the vicissitudes of life. We were too eager to grow up not knowing we'll spend the greater part of our adulthood trying to recapture the happiness that we once had as children; children who had believed in the birthright of their dreams.

I remember a fragment of a poem I wrote as a child, an ode to my beloved trees, inspired perhaps by Shelley and Wordsworth: "from them my dreams nourish, and in years they shall flourish".

Whither those dreams?

Faithful Students

I generally love atheists but I don't think they should go about making a big statement about their beliefs. The "There's Probably No God" ads on London buses are cute but I don't think they are necessary.

However I do admire how the statement is worded: the word "probably" shows that these people do admit a certain amount of doubt in their belief. If one day science proves that God does exist, I trust that they will reluctantly discard their own atheist dogma. Or will they?

These days, we are witnessing a sort of "revenge" from the atheists, with authors like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens as their celebrity evangelists. Bill Maher's movie Religulous, is a wonderfully humorous jibe at religion. I love it, but let's not take it too far. Atheists and agnostics should be accorded the same respect as God-fearing people in society. But let's not over-react lest we make the same mistakes that many religion made throughout the ages--imposing your views on others.

I'm certanly not an atheist but I don't mind being labelled an agnostics. The definition of agnosticism is actually pretty wide (there are agnostic theists too--people who believe that God/gods do exist but accepts the fact that their existence can't be proven, or unknowable).

One thing's for sure: I'm awfully interested in spirituality and religions. I've spent a greater part of my reading life in the study of these subjects. If labels are necessary at all, I'd rather call myself a student of religions.

Some atheists, like their fanatical counterparts, are prone to dogmatism too. Once we treat these things too seriously, we are prone to becoming "sensitive" and would find ourselves easily "offended" or "confused" by remarks or views that are not in line with our beliefs.

For some reason, we humans find a certain comfort in certainty; we need ideological foundations to give meaning to our behaviour and actions. We feel good when we have a cause to fight for. We feel secure when we belong to a particular group or tribe. That is human nature, a behavioural quirk that is hardwired in our genes. Religious dogmas and fanatical ideological beliefs (such as communism and atheism) fulfils this need.

If we understand this well, we'll know how to handle these natural instincts responsibly. Every idea or belief is worthy of our examination, in the spirit of science and free enquiry. So let's all call ourselves students. A faithful student constantly seeks knowledge and recognizes that he or she still has much to learn. And if God does exist, I'm sure He's a good teacher. And if God doesn't exist, well, let's try and learn from Nature instead.

A World of Axioms

It's Chinese New Year's day and I've been taking it easy for the past couple of days, catching up on my sleep, reading and helping out with household chores. I've also been doing a bit of reflection on religion--especially the question of dogmas and rituals.

I know a lot of people who get turned off by religion because of its strict rituals and dogmas, which sometimes border on superstition. I've expounded my views on the subject of religion many times in the past. I'm personally not a religious person but I consider myself spiritual.

Let me explain. I live my life guided by a set of--for lack of a better word--axioms. In mathematics and science, axioms are basic propositions that require no further proof. These propositions are considered "common sense" and are used as basic assumptions so that their consequences--theorems and colloraries--can be studied. The 3 Newtonian Laws of Motion, for example, are axioms. By using these axioms, scientists were able to derived principles and laws of mechanics which have allowed us to build aeroplanes and bridges.

The Newtonian axioms might not be completely correct (as Einstein has proven with his Relativity theories) but they are "good enough" for our practical purposes (objects of relatively small mass and travelling at speeds much slower than the speed of light). Axioms are not dogmas.

In science, we can always conduct experiments to prove or disprove a theory. This is the scientific method. Anyone can challenge existing theories and propose new ones. Science is self-correcting, because axioms and theories are not dogmas that cannot be challenged.

Religion runs into trouble because it relies on dogma. Some of these are based on obscure texts, translated, copied and edited over the ages by people with biases and vested interests. We have to rely on certain authorities (who are also human), to interpret them.

Let me put forth my first axiom: Spirituality is a basic human impulse. I cannot prove this. But it's based on my observation of people, my study of history and religion. We human beings did not invent religion because we feared things we did not understand. We have religion because it is natural for us to do so. Like music and art, every culture finds its own way to express their artistic impulses. Religion is simply an expression of the spirituality that's innate in the human soul.

If we ask why is this so, it's like asking why do we enjoy music. Why do we find pleasure in strange combinations of different sounds and rhythms? Why do we dance?

Why do we pray to different gods? Well, it's human nature to want to worship and submit to an authority. But worship is only a small portion of what constitutes this basic spiritual impulse. We are all spiritual because we aspire to something that is higher; something that transcends the limits of our human bodies; something that connects us to the universe, to its origin and destiny.

Why do we have this impulse? I can't explain it. It's like asking why do we fall in love? It's human nature.

In response to this impulse, we invent metaphors, we adopt symbolisms and we use myths and art to convey our mystical yearning. The arguments over whether there's a creator God, or whether there's heaven or hell or life after death to me are pointless. We can only argue our case with the limited vocabulary of human language. Words are merely suggestions to ideas and objects. They are imperfect. It is foolish to say my dogma is correct and yours are wrong.

People who insist on the infallability of their dogma do not understand the fallability of the human mind.

If you tell me your God is the greatest and others are false, I'll understand why you are compelled to say so. I can understand how it feels so right inside. The exalted feeling of being connected to something higher is a feeling that is difficult to explain. We catch a glimpse of this when we fall in love.

If my friend tells me that his girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world, I'll understand why. I won't disagree with him because I know my friend is in love and love is a beautiful expression of being human. It's something that we should celebrate together. Love can never be fully expressed in words. Flowers, courtship and engagement rings are symbols and rituals that accompany true love. But true love is something that you feel inside, not these external symbols, though undeniably they do make the whole experience more fun.

Why can't we treat religion that way? Why do we have to insist that I'm right and you are wrong? Why can't religion be a celebration of what's universal in all human beings--spirituality.

Our world today faces problems because we treat religion as something exact, like law or science: When you die you go to heaven or hell. If you do this, you'll receive this as punishment. If you perform this ritual, you'll be rewarded with this. You can hear the religious zealots screaming:

But religion is serious business! It's blasphemy to equate it other human expressions such as love, art or music! Not only does religion determine our fate in this life it also determines life after death!

Hang on for a second. What makes you so sure? Stop and examine why do you feel so right inside. Is it because you know something that I don't?

You live in a world of dogmas. I live in a world of axioms. Choose your world. I think there's less anger and hatred in mine.

Past Magic

I'm really looking forward to some peace and quiet in the city during the Chinese New Year holidays. It's the best time to go for a leisurely drive in downtown KL.

For the past couple of years, I've been working during the CNY break. Thankfully I don't have to do that this year. Getting the right balance between work and leisure has always been a challenge to me. But I'm learning. Anyway it's just a short break for me as I'm not taking any leave. I'll be back in the office on Wednesday, even though it's going to be mostly empty.

Chinese New Year celebrations are supposed to be noisy and boisterous affairs. Chinese people abhor gloom and solitude. Everything has to be loud, red and gaudy. You don't have to teach the Chinese how to be positive and forward looking--it's in their DNA.

Gambling and drinking are de rigueur during CNY. I'm not into gambling, but as a kid I was quite fond of card tricks. I always had a pack of cards with me and had fantasies of becoming a magician.

No one has probably heard of it nowadays but my favourite TV series then was The Magician, which starred the late Bill Bixby (who later played the role of Dr. David Banner in the popular Incredible Hulk TV series).

When you are young, everything seems to be tinged with wonder and magic. Chinese New Year was a magical time for me with fireworks and childhood games played late into the night. How did we all ended up becoming such dull and serious adults?

Qualities We Need

This is my first blog entry for the year, and hopefully there'll be many more to come in the coming days and months.

My daily routine these days is pretty regimented, with very little chance of variation due to the many work and family obligations that I have. Well, even a bachelor has family commitments--old folks to take care of, mortgages to pay and properties to maintain. And these are tough economic times for everyone. We'll all need to hunker down and weather the storm the best we can.

It is tough times like these that really test our resilience and character. We must remain steadfast and never waiver in our self-confidence. To stand still is to regress. Trudge forward, if you can't jog or run. The key is to keep on moving, and to continue learning.

Learning never stops. Everytime we read a book, we always learn something new. It is impossible to read without learning something in the process. Even works of fiction. Sometimes you'll learn even more from well-written works of fiction.

I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks, as I believe our ears are under-utilized as an input channel. We "abuse" our ears by subjecting them to noise and random sounds. Sadly, only the blind know how to use their ears as a serious instrument for acquiring knowledge.

The Chinese Lunar New Year celebration is coming up next week. Let's welcome the Year of the Ox by reflecting on the qualities of this animal: strength, resilience, toughness and hardwork. Exactly the qualities we need to tackle these trying times.

Moment by Moment

As the year draws to a close, a mood of quiet reflection sets in. One finds that even the festivities of Christmas and New Year acquire a tinge of melancholy as one grows older.

It is time to take stock and reexamine one's course in life. Where have we faltered? What could we have done better? Hopefully one learns from one's mistakes and resolve to do better in the coming year.

In life, we should never have any regrets. Every experience that comes our way, arrives at the perfect moment to teach us what we needed to learn at that particular point in our lives.

Each experience is a cumulative effect of all our past actions. How we act and react to them determines our future experiences. Pain and pleasure are but feedback signals that nature provides to help us steer our way forward.

By themselves, experiences are neither painful nor pleasurable. They are what they are: stimulus and information fed into our nervous system. It is our reaction to them that determines whether they translate into sometime pleasurable or otherwise. The wise sees them as what they are--data, that are to be analyzed for their informational value.

Why do we experience pain and pleasure? Most of the time we have no control over how we feel. Something happens, and it feels painful to us. You lose someone you love, immediately an emptiness, an ache arises in your heart.

Pain often arises when we are exposed to uncertainty. Can I cope living alone? Who will help me when I'm in trouble? Where can I find solace and comfort when I'm down?

To borrow a phrase from Obama, we have to look at these as "teachable moments". Pain is the teacher, and we must be alert students who are ever-ready to lap up every drop of wisdom distilled.

Do not avoid the truth. Blame and denial are the most common tricks of the ego. Stare truth in the face. That is the only way to learn.

A year ends and another begins. Beginnings give us fresh hope. If we see a new year as a new beginning, that's good. But a beginning by definition is only a moment. It's gone as as soon as it arrives.

If we can treat every moment as a new beginning, then wouldn't we lead lives with so much more purpose and enthusiasm?

How is it possible to have a new beginning every moment?

Every moment is a new beginning if we treat every experience as a fresh lesson in life, ripe with wisdom and possibilities.

Take this moment.

What have your learned from it? Then go on to your next moment. Apply what you have learned from the previous moment. By applying what you have learned from the previous moment, the next moment begins with fresh possibilities. Each moment compounds the wisdom gathered from the previous one.

And that's how we grow, moment by moment.

Achieving Quality

In a previous blog entry, I mentioned how an ideal worker would always strive for quality in whatever he does. How does one go about achieving that?

There are a couple of things that one can do to guarantee outstanding results:

1. Strive to over-achieve
The surest way of guaranteeing quality is to over-exceed it.  If you are working with a client, try to understand clearly what are his expectations. If you fail to do this properly, you will always risk falling short.

Some clients don't exactly know what they want, so getting it right can be difficult. That is why it is extremely important to set a very high standard for yourself. Never compromise, even if you think the client has very low expectations. Always set a very high bar for yourself. Only by overachieving, do you have a margin for error.

2. Pay attention to details
Details make all the difference between a mediocre and a quality piece of work. Pay attention to things that you'd think people won't bother to notice. Even if you feel that your client is not one who would fuss over certain tiny details, never overlook them.

Details always matter subconsciously. For example, even without reading the content of a proposal, the collective effect of proper chapter organization, the right choice of fonts and carefully chose diagrams and images already exudes a feeling of "quality".

Professionalism means never compromising on the little details that make a piece of work stand out. Never cut corners, always assume that your work will be subjected to the scrutiny of an expert or a connoisseur.

3. Leave no stones unturned
Never assume. Explore every possibility, no matter how remote. The consumers of your product will use it in ways that you could never imagine. So strive to consider all the "impossible" scenarios, and tackle them proactively.

For example, a computer programmer will always try to come up with a user-interface that takes the dumbest user into consideration. At the same time he will also provide shortcuts for the power user to easily access his frequently use functions. Nothing impresses a customer more than to find out that the creator has taken the trouble to consider scenarios that are considered highly unlikely.

If you adhere to these few simple principles, you can be assured that the results will stand a good chance of being of "good quality".  Sure, quality requires a lot of hardwork. But it's worth every ounce of your sweat. For what is the purpose of work, if not to produce something of good quality?

A Celebration of Truth

The history of mankind, for better or for worse, has been shaped by religion. Everything from great acts of charity to horrific atroscities have been committed before in the name of religion. Religion is an inescapable fact of the human condition. To understand human nature, we have to understand this religious impulse that stir from deep within our psyche, a force that is as strong and primeval as sex itself.

Why do we need religion? Agnostics and atheists argue, sometimes quite convincingly, that religion has done more harm than good to mankind. Wouldn't the world be a better place if such a thing as religion doesn't exist?

Those who are on the other side of the fence insists that without the guiding light of religion, mankind would degenerate into a loathsome state of moral debasement, where all our actions are driven by selfish needs, where it's every man for himself and the ruthless law of the jungle rules supreme. In other words, we will be no different from animals--a world without kindness and compassion.

Is this true?

Maybe the agnostics are correct. Religion does poison everything. Religion does not guarantee good moral behaviour. Its teaching and practices are so open to interpretation that it only provides a convenient vehicle for individuals in authority to manipulate them for their selfish aims.

But I can hear the man of faith protesting. Those who have had a spiritual awakening would know. Once you have caught a glimpse of the divine, you see the world differently. There's love, light, beauty and compassion. There's a purpose in existence; the soul of a spiritually awakened person soars in exaltation.

I've blogged on this subject many times in the past. Spirituality is an "irrational" but basic human impulse. Falling in love is "irrational". Listening to music is a "useless" activity. But human beings spend a great deal of their waking life falling in love and listening to music, sometimes even blending the two together, to great effect.

Wipe out the entire human race and let another species rise to dominate earth. Inevitably, as this species evolves, it will develop a spiritual impulse and invent religion. Emotions, intelligence and spirituality. These are the flowers of civilization. Our great works of science and art arise from the creative force inherent within these basic human impulses.

Religion is nothing but institutionalized spirituality. It provides a framework for spirituality to find its expression. Some frameworks work better than others in certain geographies and epochs. Some grow so powerful that they forget their original intent, and attempt whatever means to perpetuate themself, by subsuming the individual and suppressing all opposition.

Let's not forget that. Religion serves humanity, and not the other way round. Human beings need a platform to express their spirituality. The institution of religion is for the sole purpose of providing this platform. And we must admit a plurality of platforms for human spirituality, like music and art, finds its expression in diversity.

No religion is truer than the other. No religion has a monopoly of truth and salvation. Every religion is but an expression of being human--a response to the yearning spiritual impulse within us. Every culture respond in its own unique way.

The doctrines of religion is not Truth, but a celebration of Truth. What is Truth? We don't know, and we need not bother ourselves too much about it. By insisting on our version of Truth, we divide. By celebrating Truth together, we unite.

The Lost World

I remember a whole without TV, without the Internet, without cellphones. Was it a better world then?

I read a lot as a child because my parents had a lot of books and encouraged me to read; my neighbours read; my friends in school read. To me reading was like breathing, eating and sleeping--it was something natural, something that everyone did.

It was only when I entered the university that I realized how wrong I was.

As a child, I was also fanatical about football. I used to wake up early in the morning, before the sun rose, to play football with my friends. I even recorded the team list and details about all the goals scored in every match we played in a dog-eared exercise book, which I still keep.

I played barefoot for many years before I saved enough money to buy myself a pair of second-hand Puma boots. I remember paying 25 bucks for it, and I still keep that pair of boots back home.

I used to take penalties for my team, because I was good at it. I had a very accurate shot. I spent many hours practicing how to place the ball just inside the goalpost. Most of the time I aim to hit the inside of the upright--if you hit it at that very sweet spot, not even the best goalkeeper in the world could save it. I knew the basics of soccer better than many of my friends because I had learned them properly--from books.

Yes, it was a world without the Internet, without cellphones, without satellite TV. But I had friends who read and friends who shared my passion for soccer--Malays, Chinese and Indian friends. It was heaven to me.

It's a different world now. I spend my days and nights staring at a computer screen. I attend meetings. I listen to podcasts while I'm driving. And I watch EPL matches beamed live to my living room.

I have more books than I could ever read in my lifetime. Why did I buy so many books? Why do I have to suffer the pain and joy of watching Liverpool play every weekend?

I know now: It is to recapture that world which I had lost.

A Scheme for Pain

How does one deal with suffering? With acceptance, equanimity and a resolve to transcend it.

And attitude of anger and rejection towards suffering only intensifies the pain. Let the pain take its course. By allowing it, one finds catharsis.

A friend's wife once called me, crying. In between sobs she told how she caught her husband with another woman. She was utterly heartbroken.

I asked her whether she would forgive him, if he was repentent. She was willing, but she told me the pain was too much for her to bear. How do you make the pain go away?

I told her to let time dissolve the pain. By allowing time to do its work, pain fades away. Accept that certain things have happened and nothing one does will change or erase the fact. Allow pain to take its course. In due time it will fade away, like everything else in this world. Even love.

There's no antidote for pain. Pain has to be suffered, consciously. To suffer pain consciously means that you understand its causes, and that you have the determination to ride through all its phases, taking every lesson that it throws at you.

Only then will you understand that what you thought was love, was mere attachment. Selfish attachment. It is your need to possess something or someone so that you yourself feel more complete, more fulfilled.

We love ourselves more than anything else in this world. That is the root of all pain. We want to build an environment where we think our personal wellbeing and happiness can be guaranteed--a well-paying job, a loving partner, children who will look up to us and take care of us in our old age.

We think the rest of the world are like props on a stage that we can place wherever we choose. Then one day we realise that these props don't always remain where they are: they move. They have their own idea of "happiness". That is how pain arises.

Are we mature enough to live in a world where things don't always go according to our plan? A world where our vision of a perfect life don't always match with everybody elses? I'll end with a quote from The Dark Knight:

The Joker (played by the late Heath Ledger):

You know, they're schemers. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I'm not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are...It's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and uh, look where that got you.

Food Talk

I don't normally blog about food, but when you've only had a piece of toast and a cup of tea since breakfast, food is the first thing that comes into my mind when I opened my blog editor.

Here in KL, I try to stick to my regime of two full meals a day: if I take breakfast, I'd normally skip lunch. I'll still go for lunch when invited, but purely for social reasons. Today I skipped lunch and I also went for a jog in the evening. It's 7.30pm now, so you can imagine how hungry I am!

Breakfast is usually my favourite meal of the day. The choice of food for breakfast in Malaysia is much better than what they have in Indonesia simply because there's more variety of Chinese food here.

For breakfast, I'd normally go for some Chinese noodles or porridge. Indonesians would go for things like mee goreng, nasi goreng or bubur ayam. Here in Malaysia, the Chinese hawker fare is rich and varied: wonton noodles, beef/fishball/pork noodles (dry or soup), char koay teow, chee cheong fun, loh mai kai, char siew bun, pork/fish porridge, claypot yee mee, pan mee, hakka noodles, curry noodles, curry laksa, vegetarian noodles, loh see fun--the choice of noodles is nothing short of astonishing. It's something we Malaysians take for granted.

If you're old school like me, you can also go for the half-boiled egg and toast with kaya and butter. And if you feel bored with Chinese, you can always go for Malay or Mamak food--the nasi lemak, mee goreng, roti canai and tosai. Hey, there's even hawker-style Western food here in KL.

In Jakarta my favourite breakfast used to be kopi tubruk and Indomie rebus. But usually I would skip this meal. Lunch and dinner however were always occassions to look forward to: nasi timbel, soto betawi, rawon, gado-gado, soto sulung, soto Madura, nasi padang, nasi uduk, sop buntut, satay padang, nasi gudeg, nasi liwet--a fascinating array of offerings from all the different provinces in Indonesia.

I'm a porridge lover. Indonesians, unlike the Malays in Malaysia, are also quite fond of porridge--bubur ayam stalls are everywhere. The Indonesian porridge is usually served thick with a generous topping of crackers (krupuk).

Chinese always categorize food based on their "heatiness". Anything fried and spicy are usually considered heaty. When you have consumed too much heaty food, you'll need to balance it with something "cooling"--like herbal tea, which is served in many Chinese coffee shops.

I don't bother so much about the "heatiness" of food. Subconsciously I adopt the Indian system of seeing food in terms of the 3 impulses of nature: rajasic, sattvic and tamasic. But that will be the subject of another blog entry.

The one thing I like about Indonesia is that, you can get beer almost anywhere. Go to a Muslim Sudanese or Javanese restaurant, the local bir bintang is always on the menu. The only place to drink cheap beers in Malaysia are the Chinese coffee shops.

And that's where I think I'm going for dinner tonight: hmm...stir-fried venison cooked with ginger and spring onion, washed down with a huge bottle of Tiger beer...that's my idea of a good Chinese dinner in KL!

Gymnasium of the Mind

I'm on leave and that gives me a bit of space to think more clearly.

When I was in Jakarta, I used to blog daily even though I didn't even have a notebook PC at home then. I blogged from the Internet cafe: an hour there was just enough time for me to put down my daily reflection and to catch up on the latest Malaysian news. I even wrote longhand in my diary everyday.

I've lost a lot of these habits since I came back to KL (5 years ago?). Slowly, I need to cultivate these good habits again. Writing helps me to think--it puts space in between thoughts and helps me to see them with greater clarity.

I haven't been watching movies at the cinema regularly too for the past few years. This is another activity that I miss a lot. Movies give me lots of ideas and I often get inspired by them. Books, movies and music -- these things enrich life, adding colour and tone to our humdrum existence.

And of course people too. Meeting friends and strangers add to the myriad of possibilities that life has to offer. Every movie watched, every blog entry written, every conversation with a stranger or friend is another brushstroke in life's canvas.

To blog is to to distill and to savour the essence of life's experiences. It also helps to keep my writing skills sharp. Now I'm like a footballer during off-season break: my fitness is at its lowest and my agility gone.

A blog is like a gym for the mind. You have to use it regularly to keep yourself in tip top condition mentally. I'm certainly not in good form now. But give me time, slowly, I'll regain my touch...

The Art and Science of Proposal Writing

I spend most of weekends working from a nearby Starbucks cafe. It is here that I grapple with my multitude of programming problems and hack out my technical proposals and presentation slides.

One thing I've found out being an IT professional all these years: writing code is a lot easier than writing proposals. Coding can even be fun sometimes but technical proposal-writing is always a chore. In programming, most of the time, you know what needs to be done. The challenge is executing it in the simplest, cleanest and most elegant way. Writing code that works is a no-brainer, it's writing good code that's the real challenge.

A proposal is essentially a sales pitch. You are basically putting forth your value proposition--bringing the potential customer's attention to your strong points(and taking the opportunity to indirectly highlight your competitor's weakness), reemphasizing your expertise and commitment and justifying your pricing.

In any IT project, pricing is important. But what's more important is being able to give the customer the confidence that you or your product can do the job. The decision-maker's job could be at stake here. Put yourself in his shoes: can you trust this vendor to help you look good in front of your bosses?

Confidence is an intangible thing which you subtly project through your approach and professionalism. A professionally-written proposal goes a long way towards achieving this goal.

It's easy to hire programmers but finding a good proposal writer in the IT industry is like looking for a needle in the haystack. Writing is a lot of hardwork, especially technical writing. It requires someone who appreciates technology and enjoy stringing words together to illuminate difficult concepts.

Besides being able to understand technology and being able to sell them using words, there's a third skill that's required of a good proposal writer: the ability to illustrate technical architecture and concepts using diagrams. Most engineering diagrams that I see are very badly drawn. Engineers are usually obsessed with getting the interconnections between different components right but they don't have a sense of proportion, balance, contrast and colour coordination.

You see, a good diagram is also like a good proposal. It organizes things systematically for the eyes and the mind of the reader. What does the reader see at first glance? It must work like a good advertisement billboard: the main message must be immediately evident. Example: it's a star topology, or there are 3 major components in the overall architecture or client components are grouped on the left-hand-side, server components on the right. A good technical illustrator must be aware of all these things.

My personal philosophy on good proposal writing is this: it must read like a comic book. The first thing a person does when he receives a proposal is to flip through the pages. In the process of flipping, it's usually the diagrams that catch the eye. If you have a sufficient number of well-captioned diagrams scattered all across the proposal, they alone should be able to convey the gist of the story.

Does that mean that a good IT proposal writer must be a salesman, an engineer, an artist and a writer all in one? Yes and no. Yes, because all these different elements must be present to produce a good proposal. No, because these skills need not necessarily come from a single individual. If a team of people with different skillsets can combine them together effectively, then they can come up with a good proposal.

And one more thing: if you have a team of people working on a proposal, you also need a good proposal manager. He is the person who carries that big picture in his mind, understands what needs to be achieved, sets timelines, ensures that everyone delivers their portion on schedule and integrates them together into a coherent whole. This is a very challenging task, especially when a proposal involves components from multiple vendors and partners. In other words, the proposal manager must be someone with good project management skills.

Does such an ideal proposal-writing team exist in most IT organizations? Very rarely. Usually the task of coming up with the proposal is dumped onto the pre-sales engineer. He's expected to be the salesman, the engineer, the writer, the artist and the project manager. Good luck to him!

My Path

Evgeny Onegin: Can't you see where this leads? A declaration, a kiss, a wedding, family, obligation, boredom, adultery.

- from the 1999 movie Onegin, directed by Martha Fiennes

I'm single and intend to remain so for the foreseable future. Some may think that I'm a bit cynical in my attitude towards love and marriage. Some even say, I'm selfish.

Let others think what they like. I've always believed that we all have an obbligation to find our own path towards Truth and Understanding. For some, it is the path of marriage (and possibly divorce). That is the course that they have to attend to graduate from the School of Life. For some, it is the path of monkhood.

I'm neither a householder nor a monk. I'm just a fellow explorer, trying to learn and understand as much as I can about life and our place in the larger scheme of things. That to me, is the whole purpose of existence. The rest are just coursework and exercises that you choose, based on their suitability to your temperament and nature, to help you progress towards this goal.

The path of marriage is a good path. Because it has a challenging mix of pain and pleasure. And there are useful lessons to be learnt from both types of experiences. At the end of the journey, your soul advances.

To become a monk is to become a spiritual athlete. You are a professional. You live in a controlled lab environment where special experiments and trainings are performed to slowly perfect the mind and soul.

I'm not a worldly person. The everyday cares of marriage and family bores me. I'm also not fond of organized religions. Hence I'm not eager to become a spiritual athlete in any of the traditional orders.

I've chosen a path, which is kind of like a kind of spiritual humanism. I'm a student of all the spiritual traditions in the world. I believe in tackling issues the rational and scientific way, with a liberal application of Occam's Razor.

Nothing delights me more than understanding. I seek to understand. Understanding gives me a high. Life is but a quest for greater understanding. To read and to converse with people is to seek understanding. The more I understand, the more compassion and love I feel for the world around me.

I enjoy life because the pleasures that are crave for are easily attainable. I don't need a lot of money to enjoy life. Books, art, knowledge and Nature itself--these are my playthings and objects of my lust.

A lifetime is finite. The challenge is to make every moment and every experience in life count. Every moment and every word that I type brings me insight and clarity.

And I shall end this blog entry, with the satisfaction of knowing that I'm a better person than who I was when typed the first line:

"I'm single and I intend to remain so for the foreseable future..."

A Good Worker

Many employers complain about the difficulty of finding good workers these days. We produce a lot of graduates every year but how many of them are of good quality?

What then is a good quality worker?

As an employer, this is what I'd normally look for:

1. Willingness to learn
I don't expect a new hire to be immediately productive on day one, especially if he or she is a fresh graduate. But if the candidate shows a passion for work and a great desire to learn, then half the battle is already won. Anyone with average intelligence is capable of learning anything if they put their hearts and minds to it. All one needs to do is to sit down, focus, analyze and start taking small steps. What disappoints me most is an employee who has now desire to improve himself.

2. Takes the initiative
There are employees who will just deliver the bare minimum of what they are told to do. That's fine if your job merely involves sweeping the floor or washing the dishes. What employers expect from an executive is not just execution of tasks (because that is a given) but also the ability to think beyond that: Is this the best way of approaching the problem? What are the possible outcomes? What could be better ways of doing it? Have we taken every fact into consideration in making this decision? What are the possible pitfalls? In other words, use your brain and not merely act like automatons.

3. Takes responsibility
This may seem obvious but a truly responsible worker not only takes full ownership of the task assigned to him but he is also cognizant of the fact that his work does not exist in isolation. He is part of a bigger picture: to be responsible means that you care how your work affects the whole. Executives are not merely assembly stations on a factory production line. Most of the time they have to work as a team, and they are are expected to be flexible and proactive enough to take whatever steps that are necessary, sometimes even beyond their scope of duty, to ensure the entire team or company delivers the end product.

4. Strives for Quality
A good employee takes pride in delivering good quality work. I've always believed that the only way to guarantee quality is to over-exceed it. An employee is expected to constantly better himself. No task is ever routine. If you have been doing something well in the past, doesn't mean there's no room for improvement. In a way, work is never ever done, because there's always a better way of doing it.

If you adhere to the principles mentioned, then you, as the worker gains the most. It is not only the pay, promotion or recognition accorded to you by your employer but more importantly, you gain skills and experience that will stand you in good stead for the future. No one can take that away from you. Your value in the marketplace increases and you gain a good reputation in the industry. That to me is more valuable than anything else.

A Ripple Arises in the Mind

What could be more sorry-looking than a blog that has not been updated for more than 8 months? Of course I have the usual excuses - work, work and more work. What an unbalanced life I lead now!

But never mind all that. It certainly feels good to be typing these words again. Since my last entry, so much has happened in Malaysia. And yes, I'm still marooned here in KL. And no, I'm not going to blog about politics, even though it is the fashionable thing for people to do these days.

It is easy to rant and rantings make interesting reading. But that is not the intention of this blog. I'll remain true to my original goal (if ever there was one): which is to explore and examine my innermost thoughts. Blogging to me is an act of meditation.

I've said it before, my blog is my "Buku Latihan"--an exercise book for me to "conteng-conteng". The act of writing sets into motion certain forces in the mind. The moment I type a word, an act of creation happens. A mental Big Bang that triggers a serious of action and reaction.

How powerful is the mind! The more one meditates, the more one is aware of its unexplored depths. This entry is just one ripple in the citta of the mind. There'll be more to come...

The Music of God

Are you always conscious of your own mental processes? Do you completely identify yourself with them? This is a crucial question that you need to answer as a spiritual seeker.

In our everyday lives, we think, act and react. We become the thinking and acting. Acting and thinking, are merely two ends of the same spectrum. Is that all life is about?

You have biological, emotional and intellectual needs, so you think and act in certain ways to fulfill them. Your entire life is spent doing that--fulfilling your needs: the need to eat, to procreate and to gratify your senses.

A need arises, which triggers a thought, which leads to some action being taken and the need is temporarily satisfied. The cycle repeats itself ad infinitum. That's your life.

And then you realize that you only feel happy when the needs are met. And when any of these needs are lacking, you feel unhappy.

Then you ask yourself: Whose needs are these? Does it come from the body? Or the mind? or both?

Can these needs ever be completely satisfied? If not, does that mean I can never ever be truly happy?

What then is there, if not the activities of the mind? When the mind is quelled of its "waves", what do you see? When there is no thought, is there still consciousness? Is there still "intelligence" as we know it?

Why are there so many questions and no answers?

Answers are created to satisfy the mind. If answers exist at all, they are merely brief resting points -- a comma or a semi-colon, rather than a period. After a while, you will realise that all intellectualization has to stop at a certain point.

You don't attempt to understand music; you listen and you enjoy the sheer pleasure of its melody, harmony and rhythm. Perhaps even dance to it.

If you want to truly appreciate music, you will maintain silence and try not to ruin the experience by talking at the same time.

Do you want to know what's behind the mind? If you do, then let the mental noise stop. 

Stop.

And listen.

When the mental noise stops, there is music. And the entire universe dances to it.

Karmic Lessons

A thought arises in the mind and subsides, like a ripple on the surface of the pond.

Another thought arises. More ripples.

The amplitude of some ripples are so huge that they manifest themselves as action or speech. Mental ripples become physical "ripples", producing consequences in the world outside.

No thought is ever lost. Its energy is merely transformed, stored or transmitted into another medium. The energy of several thoughts could be merged into a larger throught-front, creating a thought-tsunami, capable of sweeping away every obstacle along its way.

An obsessive man channels all his energy into a few focussed stream of thoughts. An obsessive man is often "successful", because all his actions are focussed and channelled towards the object of his desire.

All self-improvement books teach you techniques to be focussed. When you are focussed, you do not waste energy on things that do not contribute towards your goals; everything you do is a "right action" that leads you closer to your destination. Every move you make is either an advancement, or a correction from a deviation.

Anything that you desire in your life comes with a price. Why? Because it requires you to control the world around you. You need to act in specific ways to produce specific effects, specific results, which you yourself define as "desirable". Remember, this is your definition of "desirable", and hence whatever pain or pleasure, goes directly into your account.

Like what people say: you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. An egg does not transform naturally into an omelette like how a pupa morphs into a butterfly. An omelette is an artificial construction, produced by the human desire to satisfy its palate. It requires "force" for it to happen.

The force that you apply on the world to create your vision of an ideal life requires you to expend a lot of energy. It requires you to go against the current sometimes; it requires you to sacrifice time, to kick asses and to take blows. You might not mind doing all this, but that's the price you'll have to pay.

Your so-called ideal life also requires constant maintenance, because everything in the world is subject to decay. What is ideal now never remains ideal indefinitely. Furthermore, what is ideal for you might not be ideal for the people around you--your spouse, your children, your colleagues and friends. Lots and lots of energy is required to maintain it. That's another price you'll have to pay.

Ask yourself, why do you want these things? Where do these desires come from? What deeper part of the soul does it satisfy? Are you going to spend your entire life's energy attaining and maintaining this "ideal" state?

If you have decided that what you desire is worth it, then by all means go ahead. Take the pain and the pleasure that comes with it. Take it on the chin.

What's important is that you know what you are paying for and you yourself consciously take responsibility for your actions. Only then is the loop closed; only then do you learn your karmic lessons.

Reclaiming Silence

Life has been noisy lately.

The challenge for me has always been to remain engaged in the world without getting entangled in its myriad intrigues. One must learn to swim in a world of noise, without getting drowned.

Underneath all the noise is the ever-present silence; this silence is a sanctuary. It is the bedrock of one's sanity. And so I shall continue to write for to write is to reclaim one's silence, and hence one's sanity.

The mind knows when it is losing its inner silence. Judgement goes haywire; instinct misses its mark. Sloth and torpor creeps in. The mind needs recalibration. The body needs purification. The soul needs rediscovery.

How does one handle this constant assault of noise?

Understand its underlying structure of entanglements--the sources and sinks in this continuum of energy. Realise the fact that some of the noises come from yourself. Know your own contribution to this world of noise. Noise equals inefficient usage of energy. The perfect machine generates no noise.

No noise comes out from a purified mind. Everything that comes out from such a mind is music. This music lives in the air as if it has always been there, as if it belongs there--like the evening breeze and the sweet scents from garden flowers.

To produce music, one must have a sense of rhythm. The rhythm of the ticking clock; the rhythm of night and day; the rhythm of human affairs. Master this rhythm.

Life is perfect when work has the effortless quality of music. Work is produced naturally from the instrument of the mind and body. Like music from a jamming session. We are totally immersed in a beautiful world of rhythm and harmony.

Music springs from silence. And silence is a part of its orchestration. Once you have silence, everything else falls into place. Words will have the sound of music.

The Challenge of Relationships

Living together with one's spouse requires enormous tolerance and understanding. The moment either party forgets that, resentment will inevitably creep in. This resentment typically starts small, often triggered by daily events that to outsiders appear trivial; but they accumulate, day by day, until argument errupts. This release of anger allows the resentment to subside a little, but only temporarily. Resentment soon builds up again, leading to anger and sometimes physical violence. The cycle repeats itself ad infinitum.

A marriage is stable when the oscillations of this cycle of resentment is small. Everytime it builds up to a certain critical mass, it is released. Hence the relationship remains intact. Mature couples know that this cycle well. They either consciously, or unconsciously allow it to happen. And this keeps the relationship alive.

Some couples make their relationship work by avoiding conflicts early. Through years of relationship, they would have understood what each other's sore points are. Some kind of compromise is worked out: as long as they agree not to encroach into each other's sensitive territories, everything is fine.

In most marriages, you'll have a bit of both. There'll be occassions where small fights serve as an outlet for the release of pent-up resentments, and they'll also be occassions when such situations are prevented from arising through a well-honed early-warning system.

However a marriage requires more than these two conflict-avoiding strategies to be successful. The foundation of a relationship is held by shared interests, beliefs and values. People get married because they want to share their lives with their chosen life partners. If they have nothing to share, they shouldn't have got married in first place. Remember the places, food, books or movies that both enjoyed together during those early days of courtship? Sadly, couples tend to forget that. A relationship starts to degenerate when commonalities are not emphasized and differences are allowed to be unnecessarily amplified.

How does love fit into all this? Isn't love what brings two people together in first place? Isn't love the true foundation of a strong relationship?

First, let us differentiate love from dependency. Dependency is the result of fear. We fear loneliness. We fear old-age. So we cling to our loved one to ease that pain of fear. That fear becomes a "shared value". We love our spouses because we love ourselves more: we want them to be around so that we don't feel lonely; so that we'll always have someone to be with in our hour of need. Dependency at its worst is a form of addiction.

True love has to transcend addiction and selfishness. Is this possible at all? Yes, but not immediately.

Love is an ideal that one strives for in a relationship. It is not the starting point; in the beginning there's a lot of physical attraction and emotional attachment, fuelled by the fear of loneliness. Temporary relief can be attained in the companionship of one's "loved one"; but inevitably selfishness rears its ugly head and pain results.

There's no relationship without some amount of pain. One should never be deterred by pain. Your partner could be the one in the wrong, but even the party at fault suffers pain. Pain is nature's way of pointing out our imperfections. Understand it. Trace its source. From what depths of fear did it originate? Why did anger arise? Why did such a seemingly trivial matter arouse such strong emotions?

Tracing the source of pain is like debugging a piece of computer software. No commercial application out there is bug-free. Bugs are constantly being traced and fixed. It is a neverending process. The more "bugs" that are eliminated from a relationship, the closer a relationship is to this ideal called Love.

Bugs can never be discovered if an application is not used. Only through the daily ups and downs one faces in a relationship can the sources of pain be traced and eliminated. If all couples adopt this debugging paradigm in their relationships, imperfections can be slowly rectified without resulting in catastrophic system crashes. That way, a relationship grows and matures with the passing of time.

The Chinese in Me

It's that noisy time of the year again: Chinese Lunar New Year. I don't usually care much about such festivities but this year's celebration is a much welcome break from a hectic year of work. Last year's CNY holidays was a very productive time for me, as I managed to take the opportunity to rush off a lot of outstanding work.

There's no need for me to do the same this year. But of course, out of (bad) habit, I'll still do my usual routine of making sure that every piece of software is running as it should, batch processes are executed on schedule and no extraordinary events are detected--basically making sure that "God's in his Heaven...all's right with the world!".

The good thing about public holidays is that, other people are not working; so I can be sure that I won't be troubled by urgent phonecalls and e-mails. This allows me to do my "real work" in peace.

Everytime such yearly festivals approaches, people lament how fast time flies. Of course, time flies. But time is also our ally. Our purpose in life is to make sure that time does not fly aimlessly. If it seems to fly fast, and as long as it is flying in the right direction, it also means our hardwork is bearing fruits rapidly too!

The CNY celebrations is all about reaffirming good thoughts. There's much that we can learn from the Chinese ethos. It is a culture of positive-mindedness, prudence, hardwork and success. The Chinese are always forward-looking. During CNY, we wish each other great wealth, prosperity and good fortune.

Ah, but you also see the Ugly Chinese: the kiasuism, the greed, the over-eagerness to hit it big ("the Chinese are incorrigible gamblers -- Lee Kuan Yew") and the culture of crass materialism.

When anything--even good values--is pursued to the extreme, you'll see ugliness. That is why most of the victims of Ah Longs (loan sharks) are Chinese. Of course, the loan sharks themselves are also Chinese.

Am I then the typical hardworking Chinese, driven by dreams of social and material success?

How I wish I am!

A person exercising in the gym is not "hardworking". He's sweating and puffing because he wants to shed off extra fat and also to keep himself fit. Being physically fit is a great feeling.

That is what drives me to work hard: The desire to be mentally and spiritually fit. The world is my moral gymnasium (to use Vivekananda's words). That is the true reward of work. The rest is just bonus.

Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Sea of Samskaras

Samkaras is a Sanskrit word, usually translated as "past impressions", commonly found in Yoga and Hindu texts. Of course, "past impressions" or samkaras for these spiritual practices include all tendencies and experiences generated from the sum total of one's past lives.

OK, before I dwell deeper into this subject, I'm aware of the fact that some people do not believe in reincarnation and any talk about past lives smells like superstition. Well, it doesn't really matter: we don't have to believe in reincarnation or past lives to discuss about samskaras. Samskaras to me is a natural phenomenon which obeys natural physical laws.

In an earlier blog entry, I mentioned that the same external experience will not be perceived in the same way by different individuals. We interpret sensory input based on past experience (which need not necessarily have to be from a previous life) and the natural tendencies of the mind--which are shaped partly by nature (genetics) and partly by nurture (culture, upbringing, education and life experiences).

Even when a baby is born, he or she, already has certain inherent mental characteristics. A baby has not much experience and education yet, but still each newborn child behaves quite differently from one another. Why is that so? Genes? To an extent, yes.

Even when the foetus is in the amniotic sac, it already senses the world--the heartbeat of the mother, sounds and vibration from the external world. A continuous pattern of action and reaction has already been set off, which does not cease until he or she dies.

Everytime an external stimulus is fed into our minds, we react in a certain specific way. Because our starting conditions--the "boundary conditions"--are different, each one of us has a unique sequence of action and reaction, beginning from the very moment that we came alive in our mother's womb until now. Reactions can come in a passive (thoughts and emotions) or active form (spoken words or actions).

Our samskaras are coded in our hardware (genes), firmware (subconscious mind) and operating system/application (culture and education). How we react to external events continuously shapes and reshapes our samskaras.

Whenever there's no external stimuli, or whenever you attempt to limit the range of external stimuli (like in meditation), you'll be able to perceive your samskaras. Why do certain thoughts seem arise spontaneously? Why do your thoughts have a tendency to veer towards certain directions? If you observe carefully, samskaras are behind your entire personality.

Like it or not, the "background noise" of samskaras is always there. There will always be this tendency in the mind to react in its own peculiar way to every situation in life. And this is due to the influence of samskaras. If that is so, how do we deal with it?

If you have an awareness of your samskaras, then you'll be able to redirect your focus and energy to or away from certain mental impulses. The control of one's breath is the starting point of this ability. The breath is the lever of the mind. That is why most spiritual traditions have some form of breathing exercise or meditation.

Samskaras can be disolved in the light of understanding. The many virtues that religion preaches--love, compassion, forgiveness--have great transmutation powers over one's samskaras. These virtuous actions redistributes energy in the most harmonious way and irons out all kinks. When we act with understanding, love and compassion, the pattern of action and reaction--one's karma--are immediately dissolved. No fresh karma is generated, resulting in the store of samskaras being reduced.

When we have mastered what Buddhists call "Right Action", every action of ours will be like the movement of a fish in water. We swim ever so gracefully and efficiently through life, which is this endless Sea of Samskaras.